Tunnel Driveway

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Hearts pounding. Begging for breaths. Desperate for air. Wanting to rest.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

"But I love you so." he says. "You'll find someone better. Travel the world." she suggests.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sweat's beading on his skin. His heart aches within.

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

His mouth trembles just a little. He yearns for her touch.

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There's nowhere to go from here. Let's just end it, someone whispers. He closed his eyes. There's no one there.

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well...

The whole world flashes before him. He sighs, for people are happy. He just wishes it could be him too.

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye..

He closed his eyes one last time. He'll find happiness; death isn't a crime.

How's that for a story? :)

xoxo,
Zafirah.

Terrible Love

And I can't fall asleep
Without a little help
It takes awhile
To settle down
My shivered bones
Wait till the panics out

...It takes an ocean not to break.

Lyrics by The National takes me back to what my life has come to. Sometimes I wonder why I care too much about the people who wouldn't in a million years, have my face pop up in their heads. I wonder why I care too much about these people's well-being, when I'm breaking inside and no one's there to pick up the pieces. I wonder why I would do anything for people who would probably choose death over me.

I wonder why I'm naive. Why I'm too stupid to cling on to branches of trees who don't really want me hanging around. There would always be a glimmer of hope inside of me that maybe, just maybe, one of those people who I care deeply about would feel the same way about me. Hope fails me every time, when I find out the truth about that person. More and more people have failed that so-called test. But those tears at night actually kept me going, because I know that I'm stronger than that.

As days passed though, I'm not too sure how long I can take it anymore.

Those moments when you looked at your past and you wish that you could've done something to turn it all around. But then you realized that if things had been different, you wouldn't know who your true friends were. It isn't nice to pretend to be nice. Do you get it? You weren't doing me a favour by putting on a faux smile. You could've just been completely honest and say "Hey, let's just stop being friends." I could've taken it like a champ. But no, you had to be 'nice' to me just to feel less bad about the fact that you deliberately ignored me for months. I had gotten used to you not being around. But then there you were, asking if we should be friends again, and you know what I did? I obliged. I'm not saying I was being nice either. I was just tired of fighting, tired of having to put up with drama and all the bullcrap you've given me then. I wanted peace. I wanted out. I didn't care if you wanted to be friends; all I cared about was truce.

Well, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.

I keep dwelling on this. I keep dwelling on this until a pattern of emotions would come by every time. I would be confused at first, and then sad, and then heartbroken and after that I would've just be so angry that my ears would figuratively shoot fire and puffs of smoke.

I'm sorry because I can't seem to let this go. I mean I would want to if I can, God knows I'm dying to keep my emotions about this past issue hidden away at the back of my twisted head. Maybe the past has a way of haunting me. I don't wanna go back to those dark times. It scared me to think of how emotionally unstable I was. I kept mum, kept everything to myself. I bottled everything inside, but the bottle's a bit too full that it's dripping at the edge.

And then there's that thing that happened whereby I sorta kinda spilled the beans and although it wasn't your fault that you didn't know how to react to it, you should've said something to assure me that you were fine about it. Or not fine about it, I don't care, I just wanted you to say something. You fricking kept mum though and it was one of those moments where I wanted to slap myself on the head like a gazillion times for being a gullible, stupid, pathetic ass mofo. I was so pathetic and you probably thought I was too and I had no choice but to live with the fact that I told you everything and now our friendship is basically ripped at the seams. Ruined. Forked up. I was so disappointed. Mainly because I thought I knew you. I thought you'd known what to do in situations like these, because when we talk about these things you always had something to say about it. Ironically, when it was you who ended being in that position, you were completely and utterly lost. I'm beginning to believe that I'm a magnet of ignorance. You know what, no. It is not okay to ignore me like that. IT. IS. NEVER. OKAY. I'm still so embarrassed and you have no idea how many times my face became flushed from hot tears because of this.

I just want to be one of those people who would simply hold up their middle finger to whoever messes them up. Why can't I be cruel? Why do I have to keep up with everyone who doesn't give a flying fork about me? Why can't I let this go? Why do I try so hard to be close to someone but then have them push me away slowly but surely, even though the move was as subtle as possible?

Get me out of this rat hole. I'm begging you. I don't ever wanna go through this again. I'd do anything to be emotionally numb.

Wow. I wouldn't want to be the person who wrote THAT piece of depressing memo. Bye.

xoxo,

Zafirah.

On The Brink

Symptoms of Depression :

• An irritable, sad, empty or cranky mood and belief that life is meaningless.
• Loss of interest in sports or activities they used to enjoy, withdrawal from friends and family, pervasive trouble in relationships.
• Changes in appetite, significant weight gain or loss.
• Excessive late-night activities, too much or too little sleep, trouble getting up in the morning, often late for school.
• Physical agitation or slowness, pacing back and forth and/or excessive, or repetitive behaviors.
• Loss of energy, social withdrawal, withdrawal from usual activities, or boredom.
• Making critical comments about themselves, behavior problems at school or at home, overly sensitive to rejection.
• Poor performance in school, a drop in grades, or frequent absences.
• Frequent complaints of physical pain (headaches, stomach), frequent visits to school nurse.
• Writing about death, giving away favorite belongings, comments like “You’ve be better off without me.”

I would never consider myself as ever having any mental problems. I would always be like "Eww, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you happy?" I couldn't understand some people who seem to have everything they could ever wanted but are still not happy. Okay well, I wouldn't have said it in a mean way though; I just couldn't comprehend the meaning behind their depression.

But I think I understand now.

I don't really have any of the symptoms above (losing weight is a definite no, as much as I want it to be, haha.) but I don't know, there's simply no other words to describe my current situation.

I'm hesitated to post my problems here, but no one really cares so here goes.

I get along quite well with my housemates, but we just don't click. Like, they would all goof off with each other but not with me. From afar, it looks like all of us are really close. Well, we are, but I don't know, it's like I have to make an effort to be a part of their conversations. Sometimes I even think that they don't like me; yes it has gotten that far. I always try to be kind to everyone, dear God, I really do. 'Try' is actually a poor way to describe my kindness to people and it doesn't justify myself at all, but anyway I do try harder when it comes to them. It's either they're not the type who notice the way I treat them or they just don't freaking care.

I'm not saying that they're horrible people. They're actually really nice. But the fact that I can't quite click with them and build a special bond is just disheartening. Some friends of mine say that I should give it more time, because we have only known each other in less than 6 months. Some say that I'm just overthinking these things. Maybe I am; maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe they don't hate me. Maybe I'm just putting this on myself and making myself feel bad about who I am.

The worst part though isn't this; it's the fact that the one housemate who I actually gets along with, is leaving. I was quiet about it, and she noticed. She noticed that I hadn't actually been mingling around with them for a few days. I had a reason; I simply wasn't in the mood and I intended to focus on the final Pathology exam that was coming. It wasn't like I was unhappy though. So anyway, I thought to myself "Great. Now I don't have anyone." It's quite a depressing thought, but when you're around your housemates 24/7 and you only hang with them all the time, it does get quite lonely especially when you're not exactly 'close close' to them.

But I tried telling myself that I'll be okay. I'll get through this; it's not a big deal. The day before the final exam, I caught a terrible flu. The day was almost ending, and I still haven't finished reading half of the topics. My mum called to ask how I was doing and the sound of my voice was so thick; it was clear that I was ill. My mum said that I should get a lot of sleep before the exam, and that it was gonna be okay, even if I didn't study enough. After the call though, that was when the tears started to fall.

It wasn't like I was sad enough to cry, but the tears just came automatically; I guess being sick was one of the reasons. But then, my housemate came to ask if I was okay. If she was my other housemates, I wouldn't have sobbed in front of them. But this was her, and her voice was soothing yet it made me so sad that I actually shook my head and cried. I cried in front of her and it was the first time that she ever saw me this vulnerable. I couldn't hold it in much longer. So after awhile I told her everything. I think I cried because of the stress that was clouding me and the fact that I didn't study properly (which really was the first time that I didn't touch a few topics at all) and also the problem I was having with the other housemates. It was all just overwhelming; I wasn't strong enough to cope with them all.

I shouldn't be thinking about this too much. I have a two-week holiday and I'm gonna enjoy it while it still lasts. Crying is only part of what makes us a strong human being I learned, and I shouldn't fret because the obstacle I had to endure was a way to let me know that Allah was thinking about me. Ya Allah, you've helped me overcome all the challenges in life, please help me get through this journey, during each step of the way. Amiiiin.

Puh-lease, Zafirah. This is turning out to be a diary no one would want to read. Anyway, I hope everyone's year is heading off to a good start!

xoxo,
Zafirah.

Classic Case Of The Cold

Greetings and salaam everyone.

I really wish I could do all of the above, but I'm stuck with -surprise, surprise- the final General Pathology paper tomorrow.

I know, it's the classic sick-before-an-important-exam-that-is-tomorrow illness. Hooray.

It all started yesterday evening if I am not mistaken. My room in the varsity lodge is quite dusty due to excessive amounts of nooks and crannies that dust bunnies can sneak in between. I kept sneezing, but it usually goes off after a few hours. Fast forward to midnight, and I was still sneezing. That's it, I thought. There's a probability that I might develop a throbbing headache, droopy eyelids and a sore throat the next day.

I was half right. ('Tis quite relieving that I wasn't completely right, you know.)

I fell asleep in the midst of finishing my lab practical; papers were still strewn on the bed but I couldn't be arsed to move any of them. 8 hours later, I should've felt quite fresh because no one can actually get 8 hours of sleep these days (student problems, ekh). But I didn't. I was still sleepy, my eyelids were heavy and my nose was congested. To summarise everything, I felt bloody crappy in the morning. Nonetheless I was thankful because there wasn't any signs of a sore throat. Alhamdulillah to that.

I called mom to see if the flu medicine she gave me would cause me to be engrossed in the deepest of sleeps, but she told me that it doesn't. I took it hoping it might work; no such luck as of now. Oh well, I guess it isn't my lucky day.

'Tis almost dusk and I haven't even finished half of the topics I'm supposed to study. I know I'm screwed, and I feel bloody terrible but I can't help it that I'm out of focus. I want to sleep so badly, but here I am, writing on my blog about my tragic case of getting sick before finals. Bless anyone who actually pities me, aka no one.

I want to go home. Here's to surviving tomorrow's final paper. In shaa Allah.

Listening to Ed Sheeran while typing this is immensely calming. I feel slightly better. All thanks to you, Ginger Lad. And Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a better year, a better me and better experiences. Cheers xx

xoxo,

Zafirah.

To The Sea

Sometimes I tell myself that I shouldn't let others change who I am, even though it'll lead to me getting hurt and whatnot. You should always be selfless, they say. It's the right thing to do, they say.

Don't I at least deserve a bit of credit, after all that I've been through?

I'm not gonna point out names, but I try every day to help people as much as I can. It's either people aren't used to doing the same, or they just don't give a damn. And it hurts. God dammit, it hurts so badly. I don't know why I can't change. I don't know why I keep pulling myself back to where I started. I don't know why I can't NOT CARE.

I'm only hurting myself, and I don't know what to do.

This isn't a pity party I'm throwing myself. I just want people to notice. To care, for once. Just once, I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected. The ones that I'm close to aren't around me anymore, and I'm stuck in a world where I don't have a shoulder to cry on. Someone who laughs at the same jokes, share the same fashion sense, cry with me through sad movies. I don't have that anymore.

I don't know if I can live knowing that I'm all alone here.

Do you know how it's like to feel lonely despite being surrounded by a sea of people?

xoxo,
Zafirah.

I Won't Forget

24th October 2012 - Jonas Brothers' first ever concert in Malaysia at Stadium Negara.

Do you know how long I've been waiting for this day to come? If you've been in my room, you would see tons of JoBros posters and CDs lying around and dated back in '07. 5 years I have waited. And my dreams have finally came true.

It was my first concert, and I got to be at the pit. Imagine that! My birthday was 4 days ago and this was the best birthday present I've ever gotten, so far. (it's hard to actually top this one, but it's possible! Lol.) The whole concert was, shall I say, AMAZINGGG. The old songs brought back so many memories, and I was happy to reminisce last night. I couldn't describe how I felt when I first saw Joe, Nick and Kevin onstage. I thought I was going to lose it.

Needless to say, I'm still having a hard time believing that it was them that I saw last night. 

Let's talk about the photos! Haha.

1) The first two photos : the ticket and VIP pass, as well as shot of the brothers up close. Sadly, (I'm still crying over this one) I didn't get to actually meet the boys and shake their hands. But my sister and cousin did, so she let me keep the VIP pass and shirt, heheh.

2) My sister and the boys. CRYCRYCRY.

3) I looked up the concert photos online and found my face. LMAO. I'm still laughing over this one. Found it on MSN. (I edited this post. I actually found this photo and the one below it 2 days after the concert.)

4) While I had a photo of me smiling at the camera, my sister and cousin had no such luck. Found a candid photo from Flickr of the two of them looking all frustrated at something. All of the others were smiling, though.

Best. Night. Ever. 

The best thing was, I had a biochemistry mid-course exam today...and I didn't study that much. LOL. Thank god I managed to answer okay-ish.

xoxo,

Zafirah.

Bittersweet

Assalamualaikum.

So a lot of things happened yesterday. (Okay not really, but please bare with me for I got really psyched over the fact that my life was actually a tad bit exciting for once.) I'm just gonna go straight to the point and write about it. Here goes.

The end-of-course exam for Physiology was yesterday and this course has officially ended. I would be lying if I say that I'm not relieved. the whole course was done in SCTL style. If you don't know what SCTL is, then you're lucky, because that means the university you're studying in doesn't have this method. Lol. SCTL stands for 'student-centred teaching learning' where the lecturer's job is only to facilitate the students, and we are the ones who have to teach our fellow classmates on the topic of the day. When I think about it, this method of teaching actually has a lot of pros. Unfortunately for us, the way the SCTL was conducted was full of crap, to say the least. It's obviously better if they prepare a lecture first before asking us to teach our classmates on the answers to the topics that we ourselves are doubtful of. But nooo. The lecturer does nothing but correct our mistakes. And sometimes, this one particular lecturer always leaves us confused and lost after every so-called lecture. I myself don't understand him with his thick Chinese accent, and even when I listen very hard I can never comprehend whether he's talking about facts or not. The final exam was difficult, I was trying hard not to bawl in the exam hall. But whatever, I guess my hormones had something to do with it, but let's not discuss that in detail. Haha.

So I went back home early, getting a ride from Miru, my housemate. Thank goodness we live not far from each other. I intended to take a much needed nap because of lack of sleep the previous night. Half an hour into the nap, I awoke, feeling my body drenched in sweat. Turned out the electricity had gone off. It went off for a while, so I had no Internet. We used broadband for a bit, but then my laptop ran out of battery. Tough luck for us. The water pipe also needed to be fixed, and I spent the whole of today at home because the workers come and go ever so often that we can't even go out anymore. Sigh. Anyway, I showed my mom Cotton On's website, because I found out that they have a huge sale, and the best part is that the shipping is FREE. I showed her the leopard-printed bag that I eyed for quite awhile and she also went wide-eyed because I know how much she loves animal-printed stuff. I asked if she can give it for my birthday and she said yes! I was so happy and the stress from the exam earlier yesterday died out instantly. Who knew, right?! Well I think everyone who are close to me would know that I like to shop. A lot.

I said to my mom that I won't go shopping for awhile and she quickly replied with a "yeah, right." she didn't waste a second to remind me that I'm an avid shopper. Lol. I don't really waste my money, but she just wants me to spend less cos I'm in college and blablabla.

I also bought myself a birthday present consisting of a dress and a pair of shoes. Because I can.

The bag my mom bought for me :)

The dress I bought for myself.

As you can see, I love animal prints.

I love shopping. I just wish I'm rich so that there would come a point where I would be tired of doing it. HAHAHAHAHA.

xoxo,

Zafirah.

Wind Up

You are
[] short,
[X] 5′4?-5′5?
[] 5′5?-5′6?
[] 5′6?-5′7?
[] 5′8?-5′9?
[] 5′10? and up

Your confessions:
[] I’m afraid of silence
[] I am really ticklish
[] I’m afraid of the dark
[] I’ve collected comic books
[] I sometimes shut out others
[] I open up to others TOO easily
[X] I read the newspaper (I rarely do now!)
[X] I love Disney movies
[] I am a sucker for gorgeous eyes
[X] I am a sucker for a gorgeous smile
[] I don’t kill bugs
[] I have “x”s in my screen name
[X] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart
[X] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS (during my primary school days, LOL)
[X] I love to laugh
[] I can’t swallow pills
[] I bite my nails
[] I play computer games when I’m bored
[] I have gotten lost in the city
[] I have gone out in public in my pajamas
[] I have made out in an elevator
[] I have been skydiving
[] I have been bungee jumping
[] I have bitten someone
[] I have egged or T.P.ed a house/car
[] I have smashed a car
[X] I have been fired (it wasn't even my fault, honest.)

Have you ever?
[] seen a shooting star
[] joke proposed to anyone
[] gotten stitches
[] eaten Sushi
[X] gotten the chicken pox
[X] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[] Been on a plane by yourself
[] had surgery
[] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[X] been on stage
[] gotten a black eye
[X] memorized all the dialogue in a movie (High School Musical, believe or not.)
[] watched an entire baseball game

Do you like?
[X] old movies
[] musicals
[X] blasting music in your car

[X] gameboy Pokemon
[X] doughnuts
[X] animals
[X] coffee
[X] tea
[] summer
[X] winter

TWO’S OF EVERY KIND

Two Names You Go By:

Zaf and Fira (my family calls me this sometimes)

Two things you are wearing right now:

glasses and sleeveless top!

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation:

London and Cordova

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:

Going shopping and also my final exam (lol so ironic)

Two favorite animals:

Cats and rabbits

Two Reasons you’re doing this survey:

Because of boredom and preventing myself from taking a nap.

Spell your name without vowels:

Zfrh.

How many pairs of jeans do you own?:

Hmmmm. 5...or 6?

What color(s) do you wear most often?

Blue and red.

What’s for dinner tonight?

Rice, fried egg and rendang chicken!

Are you happy with your life right now?

Yes I am, alhamdulillah :)

[Do you own a?}

- PS2: no

- XBOX: nope

- PSP: no

- Gamecube: nahhh

- Digital Camera: yeah, if my parents' one counts :P

In what state or country do you want to go to school after high school?

I'm already studying locally but I've always wanted to study in the UK or Australia.

Do you shop at stores like Aeropostale and American Eagle?

Noooo.

How do you make money?:

I don't anymore. I used to work. But that was only for a month (HAHAHA).

Last thing you bought?:

Waffles. Mhmmmm.

How’s the weather?:

It's already dusk. Nice and breezy!

When did you start summer break?:

We don't have summerrrr.

Do you own big sunglasses?:

Yes.

What should you be doing right now?:

...study. But we already did 4 hours of revising!

Who did you hug today?:

No one :(

How many beds did you lay in yesterday?:

Only one. DUH.

What color shirt are you wearing?:

White.

Name one thing that you do everyday?

EAT.

Whats the color are your bedroom walls?:

Apartment : white, I wish I could paint it. House : pale pink.

How much cash do you have on you right now?

Let's see. About Rm50 lol.

What’s your favorite sport?:

Badminton, gymnastics.

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?

Like, last Sunday.

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?

Fried egg, rice and vegetables.

Q: Look to your left, what do you see?

My window overlooking the beautiful dusk sky :D

Q:Do you have plants in your room?:

No, I would love to, though.

Q: Whats your favorite starbucks drink?

I have NEVER drank Starbucks until last Monday, and it was a green tea frappucino. So yeah that's my favourite for now haha.

Q: Recent time you were really upset?

Like last week because I won't be able to go to Jonas Brothers' concert in 2 weeks. BOOHOO :(((

Sorry, I just got bored. Okbyeeee.

xoxo,

Zafirah.

Worst Prankster Ever

I learn new things about myself sometimes.

And what I'm gonna write in this post is the fact that I can't prank anyone. I just couldn't.

It's not that I can't be good at it, I just don't have the guts to prank. I'm not saying that I'm a goody-two-shoes, because God knows that's too much of a lame trait to possess (lol). I don't really know, to be frank. I just hate the fact that people are in a miserable state because of my doing. And even though people will eventually know that it's just a joke, I don't like it if a person suffers because of me, although it's only for a  short amount of time.

And pranksters go all the way. All. The. Way. They ridicule people to the highest degree of extremity. I remember my housemate telling me that she put pencil shavings into her friend's water bottle. That's not really extreme, but if I was thinking of doing so, I would be all worried like "What if she dies because she swallowed some of the shavings?" or "What if she found out it was me who pranked her and wants to report me?". My housemate said that she resembled the Devil with her pranking habit, haha. I don't think she pranks people often now, she just bullies them (including moi) until they cry. Okay well, not really.

I hate myself for not being spontaneous and fun sometimes. I do enjoy seeing people prank each other, because watching the look of confusion across people's faces is really amusing. But I wouldn't prank anyone myself. Sorry for being a boring bag of dull cardboard, but I guess this is just who I am.

One thing's for sure though, I can be really sarcastic if I want to.

I guess that's my way of ridiculing people. If I'm really pissed about something or someone, then be prepared to get the worst kind of insult you could ever get. Okay, I can't really boast on that, because other people are so much better in insults than myself. I'm not saying I'm kind either, but I do have my moments. Verbal abuse is my thing, not pranking. Occasional times of messing around is compulsory though, not saying that I don't get involved in pranking entirely, but if it's someone that I'm dear with then you can count me in.

I'm bored. And quiz is over, so I have the whole day to laze around. Weeee!

xoxo,
Zafirah.

WTF; Why The Face?

"She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story."

xoxo,
Zafirah.