On The Brink

Symptoms of Depression :

• An irritable, sad, empty or cranky mood and belief that life is meaningless.
• Loss of interest in sports or activities they used to enjoy, withdrawal from friends and family, pervasive trouble in relationships.
• Changes in appetite, significant weight gain or loss.
• Excessive late-night activities, too much or too little sleep, trouble getting up in the morning, often late for school.
• Physical agitation or slowness, pacing back and forth and/or excessive, or repetitive behaviors.
• Loss of energy, social withdrawal, withdrawal from usual activities, or boredom.
• Making critical comments about themselves, behavior problems at school or at home, overly sensitive to rejection.
• Poor performance in school, a drop in grades, or frequent absences.
• Frequent complaints of physical pain (headaches, stomach), frequent visits to school nurse.
• Writing about death, giving away favorite belongings, comments like “You’ve be better off without me.”

I would never consider myself as ever having any mental problems. I would always be like "Eww, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you happy?" I couldn't understand some people who seem to have everything they could ever wanted but are still not happy. Okay well, I wouldn't have said it in a mean way though; I just couldn't comprehend the meaning behind their depression.

But I think I understand now.

I don't really have any of the symptoms above (losing weight is a definite no, as much as I want it to be, haha.) but I don't know, there's simply no other words to describe my current situation.

I'm hesitated to post my problems here, but no one really cares so here goes.

I get along quite well with my housemates, but we just don't click. Like, they would all goof off with each other but not with me. From afar, it looks like all of us are really close. Well, we are, but I don't know, it's like I have to make an effort to be a part of their conversations. Sometimes I even think that they don't like me; yes it has gotten that far. I always try to be kind to everyone, dear God, I really do. 'Try' is actually a poor way to describe my kindness to people and it doesn't justify myself at all, but anyway I do try harder when it comes to them. It's either they're not the type who notice the way I treat them or they just don't freaking care.

I'm not saying that they're horrible people. They're actually really nice. But the fact that I can't quite click with them and build a special bond is just disheartening. Some friends of mine say that I should give it more time, because we have only known each other in less than 6 months. Some say that I'm just overthinking these things. Maybe I am; maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe they don't hate me. Maybe I'm just putting this on myself and making myself feel bad about who I am.

The worst part though isn't this; it's the fact that the one housemate who I actually gets along with, is leaving. I was quiet about it, and she noticed. She noticed that I hadn't actually been mingling around with them for a few days. I had a reason; I simply wasn't in the mood and I intended to focus on the final Pathology exam that was coming. It wasn't like I was unhappy though. So anyway, I thought to myself "Great. Now I don't have anyone." It's quite a depressing thought, but when you're around your housemates 24/7 and you only hang with them all the time, it does get quite lonely especially when you're not exactly 'close close' to them.

But I tried telling myself that I'll be okay. I'll get through this; it's not a big deal. The day before the final exam, I caught a terrible flu. The day was almost ending, and I still haven't finished reading half of the topics. My mum called to ask how I was doing and the sound of my voice was so thick; it was clear that I was ill. My mum said that I should get a lot of sleep before the exam, and that it was gonna be okay, even if I didn't study enough. After the call though, that was when the tears started to fall.

It wasn't like I was sad enough to cry, but the tears just came automatically; I guess being sick was one of the reasons. But then, my housemate came to ask if I was okay. If she was my other housemates, I wouldn't have sobbed in front of them. But this was her, and her voice was soothing yet it made me so sad that I actually shook my head and cried. I cried in front of her and it was the first time that she ever saw me this vulnerable. I couldn't hold it in much longer. So after awhile I told her everything. I think I cried because of the stress that was clouding me and the fact that I didn't study properly (which really was the first time that I didn't touch a few topics at all) and also the problem I was having with the other housemates. It was all just overwhelming; I wasn't strong enough to cope with them all.

I shouldn't be thinking about this too much. I have a two-week holiday and I'm gonna enjoy it while it still lasts. Crying is only part of what makes us a strong human being I learned, and I shouldn't fret because the obstacle I had to endure was a way to let me know that Allah was thinking about me. Ya Allah, you've helped me overcome all the challenges in life, please help me get through this journey, during each step of the way. Amiiiin.

Puh-lease, Zafirah. This is turning out to be a diary no one would want to read. Anyway, I hope everyone's year is heading off to a good start!

xoxo,
Zafirah.