Terrible Love

And I can't fall asleep
Without a little help
It takes awhile
To settle down
My shivered bones
Wait till the panics out

...It takes an ocean not to break.

Lyrics by The National takes me back to what my life has come to. Sometimes I wonder why I care too much about the people who wouldn't in a million years, have my face pop up in their heads. I wonder why I care too much about these people's well-being, when I'm breaking inside and no one's there to pick up the pieces. I wonder why I would do anything for people who would probably choose death over me.

I wonder why I'm naive. Why I'm too stupid to cling on to branches of trees who don't really want me hanging around. There would always be a glimmer of hope inside of me that maybe, just maybe, one of those people who I care deeply about would feel the same way about me. Hope fails me every time, when I find out the truth about that person. More and more people have failed that so-called test. But those tears at night actually kept me going, because I know that I'm stronger than that.

As days passed though, I'm not too sure how long I can take it anymore.

Those moments when you looked at your past and you wish that you could've done something to turn it all around. But then you realized that if things had been different, you wouldn't know who your true friends were. It isn't nice to pretend to be nice. Do you get it? You weren't doing me a favour by putting on a faux smile. You could've just been completely honest and say "Hey, let's just stop being friends." I could've taken it like a champ. But no, you had to be 'nice' to me just to feel less bad about the fact that you deliberately ignored me for months. I had gotten used to you not being around. But then there you were, asking if we should be friends again, and you know what I did? I obliged. I'm not saying I was being nice either. I was just tired of fighting, tired of having to put up with drama and all the bullcrap you've given me then. I wanted peace. I wanted out. I didn't care if you wanted to be friends; all I cared about was truce.

Well, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.

I keep dwelling on this. I keep dwelling on this until a pattern of emotions would come by every time. I would be confused at first, and then sad, and then heartbroken and after that I would've just be so angry that my ears would figuratively shoot fire and puffs of smoke.

I'm sorry because I can't seem to let this go. I mean I would want to if I can, God knows I'm dying to keep my emotions about this past issue hidden away at the back of my twisted head. Maybe the past has a way of haunting me. I don't wanna go back to those dark times. It scared me to think of how emotionally unstable I was. I kept mum, kept everything to myself. I bottled everything inside, but the bottle's a bit too full that it's dripping at the edge.

And then there's that thing that happened whereby I sorta kinda spilled the beans and although it wasn't your fault that you didn't know how to react to it, you should've said something to assure me that you were fine about it. Or not fine about it, I don't care, I just wanted you to say something. You fricking kept mum though and it was one of those moments where I wanted to slap myself on the head like a gazillion times for being a gullible, stupid, pathetic ass mofo. I was so pathetic and you probably thought I was too and I had no choice but to live with the fact that I told you everything and now our friendship is basically ripped at the seams. Ruined. Forked up. I was so disappointed. Mainly because I thought I knew you. I thought you'd known what to do in situations like these, because when we talk about these things you always had something to say about it. Ironically, when it was you who ended being in that position, you were completely and utterly lost. I'm beginning to believe that I'm a magnet of ignorance. You know what, no. It is not okay to ignore me like that. IT. IS. NEVER. OKAY. I'm still so embarrassed and you have no idea how many times my face became flushed from hot tears because of this.

I just want to be one of those people who would simply hold up their middle finger to whoever messes them up. Why can't I be cruel? Why do I have to keep up with everyone who doesn't give a flying fork about me? Why can't I let this go? Why do I try so hard to be close to someone but then have them push me away slowly but surely, even though the move was as subtle as possible?

Get me out of this rat hole. I'm begging you. I don't ever wanna go through this again. I'd do anything to be emotionally numb.

Wow. I wouldn't want to be the person who wrote THAT piece of depressing memo. Bye.

xoxo,

Zafirah.