Ominous Reality

So, let's see.

My friendship with you was really starting to bloom (or whatever it was), until I ruined everything when I spilled the most embarrassing beans ever. The truth is I never really wanted to tell you, but I figured that I might as well give it a shot.

I don't know what I was aiming for at the time, I mean it wasn't like I actually had a chance. Up until now, I still don't know why I did it. Right after I hit send, my heart started beating at a crazy speed. I was afraid that you might freak out. But my instincts told me differently. I was pretty sure that you'd be cool about it. And so I did what my heart told me to.

After that, I felt like throwing my heart into the Atlantic ocean to be fed to the sharks or something.

Never had my instincts failed me. Never had I feel so disgusted with myself because of what I did. Why were you so desperate, Zafirah? Why didn't you just keep your mouth shut? You didn't have to know. It would have been fine. We would have been fine.

Maybe I was just sick of it all.

I was sick of being anticipative. I wasn't living in reality. I kept on dreaming that maybe someday, you'd accept me. My friends keep telling me that you're giving hints, but of course I would deny them all. Still, there was the teeniest, tiniest glint of hope that made its way into my heart. Even though I kept telling myself that there was no way in the world that you would say the words I was hoping for you to say, I just wanted to tell you because if I didn't, there was a possibility that I might explode. You said so yourself that I should just confess. "You'll never know what he's gonna say." you told me something like that. I guess it turned out into something worse than I'd imagined it to be. It has been ages since we've talked. In fact, we haven't had a real conversation ever since I told you.

To be honest, I really miss the random conversations we used to have. As friends. I would sleep late at night, bursting into laughter ever so often because we would just have so much fun talking. At least, for me. I don't know about you, but I think it wasn't much fun for you as it was for me. I didn't tell you because I wanted you to say that you like me too. Nope, I never wanted that at all, because I know you never did (lol sad moment right there.) It was just hurting me inside, to know that I would never find someone like you in my life. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm not the type to be close to any guys my age. So when I do find someone, I'll develop these odd feelings that I never wanted in the first place. It was bad enough that you already have someone special. And she's perfect for you, I never doubted that in a second.

I'm sorry for making things weird between us. I guess I ruined everything, didn't I? I always ruin things. It's kind of my specialty.

Great, 300th post and I wrote about something totally depressing. I hate this post so much. But it needed to be done. Phew. Glad I took that out of my chest. Time to move on, dear one. Please be easy on me. Oh hello, October.

xoxo,
Zafirah.