Heart Swollen With Sorrow

Hope. Ahh I remember when I had that. It was a recent episode but I clearly remember the exact moment when I still had it, and the moment when it slipped through my fingers. It's still fresh in my mind. It's so fresh, that I can still feel it pumping through my veins, and it's haunting me. I have come to realize that it was my own fault. Well, if other people would watch this recent occurence as if it was a movie, they would make a great laugh out of it. How stupid of me to have hoped for it, eh? How innocent of me. I know that I was a fool. But does it have to be my fault that I felt this way? I never really wanted any part of this. I never really wanted to incessantly think about it. I have never thought that it was possible anyway. But am I really guilty because I can't help to have felt this way? Everybody deserves a chance. Everybody deserves to hope. But not all are lucky enough to get what they want. And that includes myself.

It seems that you don't want me to live with contentment. You didn't tear me to shreds from just one word. No, you just had to let me suffocate through strings of sentences. The fact that you're with someone else makes it all the more unbearable to me. My heart couldn't get through the first sentence but God knows why, my eyes just kept moving, my fingers willingly scrolled downwards for the next string of sentences. And a lot of people have used the expression 'my heart just dropped to my feet'. So much so, that it's a tad cheesy for me. But heck, I'm not here to satisfy myself. And I swear, my heart did drop. It was sinking so slowly. Too slow for my liking, and I just wished that it would have moved faster and get to my feet already. My mouth was so dry and my tongue was tied to a knot and if I had swallowed my saliva I could have sworn that I would choke at my own spit. But good heavens, I was unable to do anything at that point. My body had shut down, except for my eyes which was still showing no mercy to me by reading every damn sentence that existed.

Of course, I'm not trying to throw a pity party just so you could feel sorry for me. The truth is, you didn't in any way wanted to hurt me intentionally. I guess it was just a matter of time before I could corner you into listening to what I'm about to confess. Thank goodness I never had to do that, because heaven knows that it might be the most embarrassing thing I would ever do during my lifetime. You were doing me a favor, and I could just imagine that if you rejected me right then and there, I might have erupted into a volcano of tears.

Some things will never work out the way I intend them to be. But I was hoping, God knows how much hope was in me, that this would work. The problem that occured was the fact that I didn't have a plan. I didn't have back-up. I should have prepared for the worst of the worst. I should have known what to do if it didn't turn out as I hoped it would. But right now, here I am, shedding the spring of tears that resulted in the pain you have caused by not wanting me to be a part of your life. I'm happy that I have gotten to know you, but now I just wish I hadn't. It will only bring sorrow to my already-poignant life now that I know the truth. And quite frankly, I have known that it just wouldn't work. I have known the truth right from the start. I don't know why I wanted to force myself into believing that there would be a miracle from God and that it would happen. I guess it could have been because of a little thing called 'hope'.

I am done hoping and I am done believing. There's just no point in believing that there would be an 'us'. Oh Allah, the Greatest, the Merciful and the Almighty, please spare this pitiful soul by giving me peace and strength. The strength to fight and the will to survive this unfortunate heartbreak. For I'm sure, with Allah's power, there's someone better for me in the near future. I might not forget you entirely, but I'm ready to move on. Just know that I would still love you with all my heart, no matter what happens tomorrow, and the day after that.