The Real Deal

Dear brain,

Please, stop sending out these memories to me. Stop thinking that I NEED to remember them. Please STOP GETTING INTO MY HEAD. I've already buried these memories deep down inside me, but why do they keep coming back? I want them to get outta my head. GET OUTTA MY HEAD! I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna feel bad about myself. I just wanna FORGET and move on.

Yesterday was a really fucked up day. I lost my job (But it's actually a relief) and I cried. A lot. I know I shouldn't have recalled those times. But for a second there, I couldn't control my mind.

I can forgive you, but I just CAN'T seem to forget what you did. Sometimes, I stare at you from a distance and I just want to come up to you and say, "Why did you do it?". Why did you hurt me like you did? I know you felt the same way I did. But why did YOU do it when you knew that it hurt? Why were you being so selfish and sadistic about it when YOU yourself had cry after something like that happened to you? I never mentioned anything to you that night. Because I wanted to save you the HUMILIATION and hurt. I WAS THINKING OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE HURTING ME. I ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT YOU WHEN THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE DOING. But you didn't know. You thought I was stupid enough to believe you still wanted to be a part of my life. You never knew how much of my heart was gone after I knew what you really were. After I knew you were lying. I put on a brave smile, and I pretended like nothing horrible had happened. Which wasn't easy to do. Why would it be easy if most of my heart was shattered and I was trying so hard not to cry? I didn't cry because I trusted you. I cried because it hurt. I thought I would get over it eventually. But the feeling of sadness and agony never left my sight. What did I do to you that made you do what you did? Did I really deserve the hatred you channeled through that message you sent? For awhile, I treated you like I knew you my entire life. Did you forget everything? But then I knew. You were just using me because you hadn't anyone else. I was only your little lapdog that wiped your drool away for you. You never cared. And when you want to, you'll ignore me and move on. See, that's not how it works in my book. I don't use somebody just because I needed her/him. I don't let them know what they did wrong by themselves. And I don't keep my mouth shut if they hurt me. If they make a mistake, who am I to judge them? I make mistakes all the time, and so do you.

I just don't understand why you did it. And I can't seem to forget.